What if love were our only motive?

This past weekend was our Stake Conference.  I'll be honest.  We haven't been the best Stake Conference goers for the past few years.  Who likes having to keep 2 active children quiet and content for two straight hours while trying to gain a spiritual experience simultaneously?  Sacrament Meeting can be challenging enough some weeks!  Well!  We broke the habit and went to the adult session Saturday night and even braved Sunday's session with the kids.  I'm glad we did.   

With each passing week, I feel greater confidence in my church.  It's a combination of things that increase this confidence, but among them, I think these are the greatest contributors:

The leaders, the inspiration behind those who are called where, and Priesthood power in general.  I know with surety that our Prophet and his Apostles are God's representatives, that they converse with Him, share with us His counsel, and love us as He does.  I know that our Bishop and our Stake President and their counselors were hand picked by God Himself to fulfill their roles at this place and time, and that they too hold great power and inspiration to know the needs of those over whom they preside.  And I know that there is infinite power in the Priesthood.  I have heard way too many miracle stories and seen in my own life too many examples of the priesthood being exercised and blessing me and my family to deny its truthfulness.   

The order and exactness of things.  It's amazing how such a process as calling a new Stake President (which we learned about from our own Stake President Saturday night) can be so intricate and exhausting; and how the rights, responsibilities and order of the Priesthood can be so precise, with a maximum number of members for some of its quorums, not to mention all the accompanying regulations, which just give me a headache to think about or try to assimilate.  Yet amidst the order of things in the church, all of which I truly believe is inspired and correct, the gospel itself and our purpose here is simple and straightforward.

The undeniable feelings I get that tell me it is true. I don't know everything there is to know about the gospel, and there have been times when I've been asked questions I didn't have answers to.  But I understand the concept of obedience, its power, and the power of acting in faith.  I also recognize that our view as humans is limited, and that in this lifetime, we will only be able to see to a certain point.  That is when faith comes into play, and when we must not question the counsel of our leaders but simply follow it.  Sometimes I don't logically understand something, but I know in my heart that it's right, so I go with it.  Can't really explain it, but can't really deny it either.  When it's right, it's right.  Period.  I remember someone questioning me when Neil and I got engaged after only knowing each other 3 months.  What this person didn't know is that we actually knew only 2 days after our first date what was to come.  How did we know though?  It didn't make sense, and went against both Neil's and my logic.  There was no explanation.  We just felt in our hearts that it was right.  And thankfully, those feelings were legitimate because here we are, 10 years later, still happily married with a family.  Had we relied on logic and allowed the doubts of others to persuade us, we wouldn't be where we are today.  Feelings are a powerful thing, and sometimes more powerful than any knowledge we can go by.  No doubt the Holy Ghost plays a great role in such feelings.  How grateful I am for that gift in my life.

President Crockett shared an experience he had shortly after he was called to be Stake President 8 1/2 years ago.  He said he was sitting in his office one night feeling quite overwhelmed and lonely at all of his new responsibilities, when suddenly, he felt a warm sense of love and comfort come over him.  In that same moment, he had a vision of a small child kneeling with his mother in prayer and asking Heavenly Father to bless President Crockett.  As President Crockett sat there at his desk, he realized that just as he was receiving the warm comfort he needed, this sweet child's prayer was being answered.  What a precious thought.  He closed the story with the reminder that God hears our children's prayers, and that He hears our prayers, and that He answers them.  I love the gentle message there.  I am often touched by Chloe's and Ryan's prayers, and as they've grown, they've become more thoughtful.  I love knowing that Heavenly Father listens to their prayers, and to mine.

President Crockett's final thought of the night, among other inspiring things he and his counselors shared, was in the form of this question:

"What if love were our only motive?" 

Naturally, he used the example of our Savior, who did everything out of love.  While it wasn't always easy, even for this perfect Being, He remained constant in making love His motive.  Like Christ, President Crockett pleaded with us to try to do the same.  As I sat there listening and watching this man of God preach such truthful words, it just hit me!  What kind of world would we live in if everyone took this simple concept to heart?  What great changes would we witness?  We would probably be more patient and tender with our spouses and children.  We would probably be slower to anger.  Our hearts would probably be softer and more open to our Father's will.  We would probably feel happier and more at peace.  I loved this challenge and am actively trying to apply it to my life.  Easier said than done - especially with young children - HA! - but I am trying.

Here's how Chloe occupied herself during Stake Conference...

How lucky I am to have a daughter who loves her Father in Heaven and Savior, and who recognizes her worth.  Her level of faith and desire to choose the right inspires and strengthens me daily.  I'm sure Jesus and God both appreciated this drawing.

I'm grateful Neil and I went to the trouble of finding a sitter and go to the adult session, and to get up yesterday morning and take the kids to Sunday's session.  Had we not gone, we would have missed out on some inspired counsel, and the many reasons I love and appreciate this church may not have come to light or been as easily conveyed to me today.

Life is a delicate thing

"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor the man be perfected without trials." - Chinese Proverb

I know that lately my posts have been heavy, lengthy, and lacking of pictures.  I'm working on that.  But for now, here's one more.  Sorry, can't help it.  Lots on my mind right now.

These last several weeks I've heavily pondered the delicacy of life.  It's difficult not to when it seems like families all around me are facing life-threatening realities.  Some friends of ours have close friends out of state, two of whose daughters have a rare condition called Leaky SCID, which basically shuts down the immune system.  Currently the girls, ages 8 and 2, are preparing for chemotherapy, which will be followed by bone marrow transplants.  A couple months ago, Ryan's Sunbeam teacher's son, late thirties, a healthy firefighter and father of four young children, died instantly and unexpectedly of a heart attack.  My neighbor across the street was diagnosed with breast cancer in September, and has undergone four surgeries since.  Her prognosis is good, but it continues to be an excruciating battle.  And just this week I learned that one of the ladies I visit teach's husband, who was recently diagnosed with kidney cancer, which has already metastasized to several other organs, has been given 6-12 weeks to live.  He can't be far past forty.  They have four children also.

I hate stories like these.  Simply hate them.  And of course the natural questions follow, like, why them and not me?  Will something like this happen to me?  What would I do if I was told I had only 6 weeks to live?  How would I react to and cope with one of my children having a life-threatening illness?  What kind of single mother would I make?  Oh, I hate to even imagine any of this, but I can't help it sometimes!
 
I had an ectopic pregnancy in early 2008.  Boy, do I remember that day well!  I arrived at my doctor's office for my first prenatal visit, knowing full well that things weren't good.  Upon various undetermined tests, excruciating pain, tears, and witnessing Dr. Baer in a scared and frazzled state in which I'd never seen him before, I remember him (after gathering his composure), walking into the exam room where Neil and I were waiting, and very calmly saying to us these words: "You are going to get into your car RIGHT NOW, and you are going to drive straight to the hospital.  I am going to follow you there, and we're going to figure this out."  Not 30 minutes later, my pregnancy was officially over, and my ruptured fallopian tube, gone.  It was an extremely sad and frightening loss.  But it also brought to light the grand scheme of things.  Yes, that human being once growing inside of me was no longer.  But that human being also had a spirit, and someday, I would get to meet and raise that spirit.  As humans, we simply cannot recognize or see the before and after, but only the now.  We are told what happened before this life, and we are told what will happen in the next.  We are also told that our time on earth is but a tiny minute compared to what will follow.  And yet we still can only see the here and now.  I wonder sometimes how my perspective would change if I could see the after.  Even though I physically cannot, my faith that it exists and is real brings me such a quiet peace, that life's trials, losses and sorrows suddenly feel lighter.

My miscarriage, while awful at the time, cannot, in my mind, be compared to the loss of a spouse or child.  The experience did broaden my perspective and make me a more empathetic person.  But even coming out of it, I still had my loving husband and daughter by my side, not to mention the strong potential for another healthy child down the road (who was miraculously conceived only 26 days following my emergency surgery).

It is insane when you look at some people and the trials with which God has entrusted them.  Sometimes your heart aches so badly for these people, who, from your limited perspective don't deserve the one-thing-after-another fiasco they've come to call life.  And yet, God sees the big picture.  He is in charge.  And He knows exactly what He is doing.  We just have to trust that, as impossible as it may be at times.

I have had some pretty amazing opportunities to serve many people in need these recent weeks, and I have been so humbled and inspired by their goodness and strength. It's so true that doing service blesses lives. When I am serving others and my heart is in the right place, I am convinced that my blessings far exceed that of the recipients'.  As Elder Derek Cuthbert of the Seventy said, "Service changes people. It refines, purifies, gives a finer perspective, and brings out the best in each one of us. It gets us looking outward instead of inward. It prompts us to consider others’ needs ahead of our own. Righteous service is the expression of true charity, such as the Savior showed."

Life is delicate; life is imperfect; and life is short.  We should, of course, make the best of it, and enjoy it to the fullest.  But we should also remember, amidst our very darkest days, whether they consist of temporary difficulties which will eventually pass, or some of the most devastating, like witnessing a loved one knocking on death's door, that these days have been placed in our lives to teach us and help us grow.  This is our probationary time, after all; our time to prepare to meet God.  And just as the Chinese proverb says, without trials, we cannot be perfected.

Happy accident

My body is exhausted and yet my heart is ready to explode.  As much as I want to share with you right now the many things I gained and loved from General Conference this weekend, I'm instead going to share a quick experience I had this afternoon and save the rest for later.

It was a particularly busy weekend and due to various commitments, we were only able to watch the morning sessions of General Conference.  This afternoon we had a birthday party in Pleasanton and had to leave the house around 2.  We drove separate cars because Neil, who is working in San Jose tomorrow decided to stay the night in Pleasanton to give him a head start on his morning commute.  When it was time for us to leave, he offered to take the kids in my car (score!) which left me with his car.  I always enjoy driving his little Jetta.  It's a lot zippier than my Altima, with it's fancy turbo engine and sixth gear, not to mention the fact that it has an iPod jack - a feature my "old" '06 Altima lacks.  Naturally when given the opportunity to drive Neil's car, especially alone, I take full advantage, and today was no exception.  I was almost past Manteca, having just turned on one of my favorite songs when, without warning, my phone went dead.  It's done this to me a handful of times in the last few weeks and I can't explain why.  But almost as quickly as it turned off, it came right back on again.  Slightly annoyed, a thought suddenly came to me. 

"Hey, self.  It's 2:18pm.  General Conference is only an hour in.  Why not ditch your plan of listening to music and instead turn on what really matters!  You have that capability, after all!" 

And this is true.  When Neil upgraded his Droid a few months ago, I inherited his "old" Droid and was then officially welcomed into the 3g world.  It's a scary world, I'll admit, but oh so convenient.  And I'd say today I was more grateful for that convenience than ever before!  It hadn't occurred to me to try turning Conference on until my music turned off.  When I hopped onto lds.org and clicked "view live session," BAM, there it was.  Over the speakers came the familiar voice of Quentin L. Cook, offering a much more uplifting message than any song stored in my phone could have offered. 

As I drove through the windmills along 580, it struck me suddenly how far technology has come.  That I could drive in my car while listening to the Apostles of our church speak to me LIVE was just beyond my imagination!  What a gift!  Now in a world where technology seems to be improving by the hour this experience may seem small and insignificant.  After all, the ability to watch Conference (or just about anything) on one's phone has been possible for a couple years now, right?  But it was the happiest accident I'd stumbled upon in a long time and, I believe, an inspired one.  Cook's talk was beautiful and in it he shared one of my favorite scriptures, which is Doctrine Covenants 122:7.  It gives such an incredible depiction of what Joseph Smith faced shortly before his death, and offers a powerful perspective on trials in general.  You think you have it bad?  Read this scripture!  And then take heart in its comforting conclusion that our trials give us experience and are for our good.

Following Cook's talk, President Thomas S. Monson, our prophet concluded the session with some words of comfort to the church members.  Of the things he said, here is what I loved most:

"I love you.  I pray for you.  I would ask once again that you would remember me and all the general authorities in your prayers.  We are one with you in moving this marvelous work.  I testify to you that we are all in this together and that every man, women and child has a part to play.  May God give us the strength and the ability and the determination to play our part well..."

"...I leave with you my witness and my testimony that God our eternal father lives and loves us. He is indeed our father and He is personal and real.  May we realize and understand how close to us He is willing to come; how far He is willing to go to help us; how much He loves us and how much He does and is willing to do for us. May He bless you.  May His promise of peace be with you now and always."

General Conference is a beautiful concept.  It gives members of the church an opportunity to pause from the chaos and confusion of life twice a year to come hear inspired men and women of God teach, comfort and offer guidance.  I certainly gained a lot from the short amount of Conference I was able to see and hear this weekend, and my "happy accident" experience is one I'll certainly never forget.

Remembering 9/11

I don't remember many details of September 11, 2001, but I do remember where I was, what I was doing and how I felt when I heard the news.  It was less than a month after I'd turned 20; less than three weeks after I'd moved out of the house in which I'd lived my entire life (in Vacaville, CA) and into a new house with my brother in Orem, UT; less than five months before I met Neil; and less than a year before I married him.  I was driving down State Street in Orem, heading home after dropping my friend off at work.  It was roughly 7:30am when I heard an announcement on the radio that an airplane had crashed into the Pentagon, and that only moments prior, two other airplanes had hit the twin towers in New York City.  Many emotions hit me in that instant, the greatest being that of confusion.  Was this some kind of joke?  After all, such topics as airplanes crashing into historical landmarks weren't the norm for weekday FM morning radio.

Upon arriving home, I rushed into the house and flipped on the TV.  Instantly I saw the smoking twin towers.  No matter what channel, they were there with the bold red words below, "Breaking News."  I don't think my eyes left the screen for at least two hours. It was terrifying and unbelievable.  I wondered what senseless human being could be capable of such a deliberate act of hatred and terror.

That is honestly the extent of my memory from that day.  I don't remember talking to anyone or even seeing anyone after that point.  I think part of the reason the events are a blur is telling of just how surreal it was.  Even now, the little I do remember feels more like a bad dream than a memory.  I think as the years have passed and I've grown to have a greater and more mature understanding of and appreciation for our country and the many sacrifices made that day and since then on our behalf, I've become much more affected by and sympathetic to the occurrences of that day.  This year in particular, as we've approached the 10-year anniversary, I've found myself overcome with tender emotion, especially when reading newspaper articles and other stories honoring the victims and their families.  It has been inspiring hearing about who these people were, how they fought to the very end, and how their loved ones have learned to cope with their lasting grief.  I can only imagine what they still feel, even now.

I think too about how eye opening this catastrophe was to the American people and how it affected ALL of us.  So often we look at celebrities and assume their problems couldn't possibly compare to ours when in reality we know that isn't so.  September 11th was just as horrifying for them as it was for us.  But despite the nightmare, I think the experience presented a strong bond of unity to our nation.  We were all in it together, celebrity, politician, athlete, millionaire or not, and we were reminded that no one is free from heartache or loss.

Of the many moving images captured this day, this, in my mind, stands above all others.
Courtesy of Franklin Thomas (read the story behind the photo HERE).

In the words of President Thomas S. Monson:

"If there is a spiritual lesson to be learned from our experience of that fateful day, it may be that we owe to God the same faithfulness that He gives to us. We should strive for steadiness, and for a commitment to God that does not ebb and flow with the years or the crises of our lives. It should not require tragedy for us to remember Him, and we should not be compelled to humility before giving Him our faith and trust. We too should be with Him in every season."

(from the Washington Post's series "On Faith", featuring President Monson's column entitled, "9/11 Destruction Allowed Us To Spiritually Rebuild" published September 8, 2011).








How true it is that we must have faith.  We will never be free of adversities, disappointments or heartaches during our time on earth.  Never, ever.  But we can take comfort and find hope in knowing our Heavenly Father has a plan.  We can have faith that He truly is in charge and knows what He's doing and that everything happens for a specific reason.  And whether it be in the bright and happy season of summer or the dark and bitter season of winter, we can and should always keep Him close.

I can't say enough how grateful I am for the brave and committed heroes of September 11th or how proud I am to be an American. It truly is such a privilege and blessing.

God bless America.

99 Balloons

My cousin, Britt, emailed this to me. I was touched, not only as a mother but as a woman. I hope you will be too. Be sure your volume is turned up. Grab the tissues too...you just may need them.

http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Balloons